Welcome!
POAC-NoVA welcomes you to our community of caregivers of autistic children.
I found POAC shortly after my now high school-aged daughter was diagnosed with ASD at age 3. The listserv was a lifeline to hundreds of local caregivers who had either been through it all – with the school systems, medical professionals, therapists, family, friends, neighbors and everyone and everything else our families experience differently than those with neurotypical children do – or were brand new to it all like me. The member meetings taught me about advocating for my child in IEP meetings and applying for the Developmental Disability waiver. The support groups and the friendships I made along the way helped me feel less isolated and more empowered. And I am still learning from others every day. I hope POAC-NoVA offers you the same support and sense of community I have gotten from it.
As you continue your own journey, educate yourself and find your team. Some things will work and others will not. Have courage that you know what is right for your child, but be willing to listen to others. We are always here if you need us.
“POAC-NoVA—Families Helping Families. Education. Community. Support.” You’ve found us and you are not alone as your family makes this journey.
Brianne Russell-Morris
President, POAC-NoVA
Chair’s Corner
Advice from our long-serving board member and current Chairperson, Susan Edgerton.
Making Friends
Making friends is hard for many of us. If we struggle with communication and social cues it’s even more challenging.
Helping our kids develop friendships will be different depending on their age and ability to communicate. Believe me, I know from experience how painful it is to see our children rejected. On the other hand, there’s nothing better than seeing your child genuinely accepted by peers. Keep perspective and remember not everyone is a great fit for us. We are likely to meet thousands of people in our lifetimes and only a few will become good friends or partners. What is helpful is putting our kids in the right position to develop friendships and helping them keep them or recover if these relationships don’t work out. Read some of the tips from my family here.
1. Start close to home—family members like you, siblings and cousins are natural playmates even though I know from my family’s experience this doesn’t always work out. Your friends’ children, classmates and neighbors may be great resources too. Ask your child’s teachers if there’s anyone in particular your kid seems to have bonded with. In my neighborhood we identified parents of children with disabilities who were around my son’s age and made playdates. The kids were not always compatible, but it helped us network with other families!
2. Talk to your child! This will help them develop language and social skills.
3. Playgroups are valuable but try to keep them small, meet consistently, and have a structured activity. You are likely to have to be more involved in your disabled child’s friendships than you are with non-disabled children, so find parents you like and see if they’re interested in having regular playdates (this is great for you too—I learn so much from other parents!). Keep playdates brief (an hour or so) with a game or craft and a snack. Outings to playgrounds, to hiking or biking trails or swimming pools are great too.
4. With our kids, it’s usually important to have multiple exposures to another child to start a friendship. My son knew some of his best friends through school or social occasions for years before their friendships really blossomed.
5. Sometimes our kids just aren’t ready to engage or they genuinely don’t enjoy something. My son definitely let me know soccer was not for him! After a few tries we dropped it. If you’ve put them in a group or activity that’s not working, try something else. You can always try again later!
6. Other people with autism seem like natural fits for our kids, but some of my son’s best friends have other disabilities or are not disabled. For our children with cognitive delays, children with other types of intellectual disabilities sometimes have better social skills and may be more engaged in friendships.
7. Try finding activities your child enjoys such as swimming, martial arts, gymnastics or art (ask about providers near you on our group email!). Often there are affordable adapted or non-adapted classes for these activities available through your county’s parks and recreation service. Common interests are a great foundation for developing friendships. TOPS Soccer, Special Olympics, and Challenger Baseball are also great resources. Fairfax County’s Therapeutic Recreation Services also offers lots of camps, classes, and social opportunities for people with disabilities for a reasonable price. For kids with more verbal skills, religious youth groups and Scouts are often more inclusive . In addition, Best Buddies offers fun activities at many area schools and regionally!
8. Social skills groups can be a wonderful resource if your child has enough verbal skills to access them (ask for provider recommendations close to you on our listserv). As I mentioned last month, my son had to be bribed to go to his social skills group the first couple of times. It was super challenging for him, but he genuinely started to enjoy it afterward and I noticed a big change in his interactions. Friendships can also take off from these groups–I know some young adults who are still great friends with people they met in social skills groups. These groups can be expensive. If you can’t afford one, ask your school if there are opportunities such as Lunch Bunch or running clubs that offer more structured settings for building friendships. Many schools also use a social skills curriculum—ask your child’s teacher or case manager if they’re using one and if you can find out more about it.
9. UCLA PEERS (Program for the Education and Enrichment of Relational Skills) is an evidence-based model that works with teens and young adults without significant cognitive delays who have reciprocal language skills. It’s thrust is teaching young people to identify common interests in peers. Many of our kids have developed friendships based on a mutual love of music, art, theater, sports or videogames. While this curriculum is offered by many private-sector providers, VA’s Department of Aging and Rehabilitative Services offers it to appropriate clients for free!
10. Remember, your kid doesn’t need lots of friends—just one is a great start!